The Unexpected Joy of Being Single
- Katherine Holdstock
- Apr 2, 2024
- 5 min read
Being insanely early to the airport brings about its benefits, one of which is being able to spend time in the WHSmith Bookshop perusing their catalogue of titles. Sidenote, why are nice WHSmith Bookshops limited to airports and train stations? Anyway, on my way out to Marrakech in February the book “The Unexpected Joy of Being Single” by Catherine Gray piqued my interest as I was curious to read from someone else’s perspective on what it means to be single. I really enjoyed the read and it helped me to think about my own perspectives on being single and the value I get from it.
If I were to cast a critical eye on the book, Gray’s perspective was very much that of someone who has usually been in a relationship and took time away from dating. The book therefore discusses the idea of a relationship a lot and perhaps has a heteronormative position too (although I am aware I am writing from the heteronormative perspective too). For the record, I have been very much single for most of my life and therefore come from the opposite position to Gray. I love the idea of being in a relationship but have suffered trauma since the cataclysmic end to my parent’s marriage and subsequently have become so used to being independent that I really love being single and think it should be celebrated. We need to get rid of the binary that we are either a) in a relationship or b) single along with the belief that option A is better than option B. No one position is better than the other, and here are some of the joys I have found in living a single life.
1. More meaningful relationships with others
When I say others, I mostly mean my sister. We live together, holiday together, watch trashy TV together. Basically, like a married couple. She is my person and I don’t think we would have the depth of relationship that we do if either of us were in a romantic relationship. Society for so long has taught us that we must grow up, get married and have 2.4 children but this can often come at the detriment to our other relationships namely our friends and family. Aside from the obvious (we’re not that close), people assume that because you aren’t in a romantic relationship that you must be missing out on the smaller joys of being in a relationship; little texts, in-jokes, compassion but I get all of these in being close to my sister. Sending each other gifs throughout the day, being able to say something through a look and reminiscing through shared experiences; Emily and I do it all.
If you’re single and reading this, think about all the relationships in your life and the ways in which you can cultivate the experience of close relationships without the need for romance. What does being single enable you to do in your other relationships that you wouldn’t otherwise be able to?
2. Financial independence
With my parents coming from a working-class background in the Northeast the value of money was made clear to me from a young age and I knew I was lucky to have parents with financial stability. However, I also saw the imbalance created by financial interdependence and that it was a source of friction. Being single for a large proportion of time enables financial independence; you are responsible for your financial health which means that you have ultimate control and you aren’t dependent from money coming from another source. For me, this means that I have become financially savvy (ok so being a Chartered Accountant always helps that too) and work to my own budgets, forecasts and savings. I don’t need to think about financially supporting someone else or vice versa. It also means I’m not tied up in tricky financial situations when things go wrong or a relationship breaks down. I’ve learnt to stand on my own two feet when it comes to my finances and that’s something that’s been really important to me. Refer to Destiny’s Child Independent Women for further context.
3. What I want, when I want!
This sounds pretty selfish and I promise you that most singles are most likely not selfish. Not being in a romantic relationship affords me time and flexibility, which I can then give back to other areas of my life; work, family, volunteering. I don’t have to think about when and how I do something because I don’t have other responsibilities. If I want to do something, I don’t need to ask or check and I know this luxury becomes even harder for those with children.
In an even more simplistic way, I don’t think I’d have been as adventurous with my travelling if I was in a romantic relationship as I’d likely have felt guilty taking myself off for three weeks to do what I wanted to do and would have settled for compromise. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love a partner in crime, but I know realistically that going to deserts to run ultra-marathons isn’t most people’s cup of tea!
4. Quality male relationships
One thing I really value about my single status is that it hasn’t diminished the quality of my male relationships and if anything has made them stronger. Perhaps this comes because of my limited agenda for a romantic relationship? Perhaps that’s what makes platonic male friendships much easier? I always joke with one of my close friends that we are like Phoebe and Joey; a pure unadulterated friendship. Male relationships are so much easier when we take away the pressures of a romantic relationship and we can gain a much more diverse perspective on life from deeper friendships with the opposite sex. I’ve been doing much more thinking about friendships since reading Elizabeth Day’s Friendaholic (this will be a future blog post) and ultimately I think we often overlook quality friendships and the value of them if we do not see them as a priority which can often be the case when we are romantically attached. Being single often keeps you engaging with friends more frequently so that our various social needs are met.
Conclusion
Obviously, there are some negatives to being single that I haven’t touched upon here. Like being constantly asked if I am dating. Or the head lilt at weddings when someone discovers you don’t have a plus one. However, being able to reflect on the positives and value of being single is incredible and it would be great if people could see that being in a relationship does not equal happiness. We create happiness from the world we build around us, whether a romantic relationship is part of that or not. Don’t get me wrong though, if the perfect man comes knocking I’ll happily dive straight in, but if not, I’m going to sit here and think about all of the joys being single has brought to me over the years.
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